


Immersion

by Arinaca



Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Addiction, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, Illustrated, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Post-Episode: s02e22 The Wire, Recovery, Self-Harm, Swimming, Vomiting, Withdrawal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-13
Updated: 2020-09-13
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:08:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,448
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26438455
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arinaca/pseuds/Arinaca
Summary: Recovery from the Wire wasn’t going as well as Dr. Bashir had hoped. Staying in the quarters of one withdrawal-stricken Cardassian with hypersensitivity for weeks was beginning to wear them both down, badly.Julian comes up with a slightly unorthodox solution to their problem.
Relationships: Julian Bashir/Elim Garak
Comments: 19
Kudos: 103





	1. Depth

**Author's Note:**

> This is my second fic ever, I think I’ve tagged everything, but there are some things in here that might be triggering ❤️ Please take note of the tags and be kind to yourself. I hope you enjoy ❤️
> 
> Thank you so much to [Almaasi](https://archiveofourown.org/users/almaasi) for being my beta for this!!

It had been weeks but Garak’s skin still ached and felt deeply, unsettlingly _wrong._ Like a crawling itch under his scales that refused to relent for a moment's peace. Frustration and pain gnawed viciously at him until it broke free as barbs aimed at the Doctor. Lashing out didn't make him feel much better, his skin still hurt with every brush and touch against it. He warred internally with himself with the thought of either keeping quiet or lashing out in an effort to drive Bashir away. It was an endless battle until the very contact of his clothes sent that frustration over the edge. 

He didn't even know what he'd said this time, but going by Bashir's face it must have been particularly savage, he was too wrapped up in trying to press himself harder against the wall to ground the pain in one place. That movement alone shifted his shirt and pants, sending ugly pinpricks of pain lashing across his skin. His hands clasped painfully tight on his elbows as he coiled tight into himself, hoping this nightmare would end.

He hated this. This ugly withdrawal that dragged and tugged at him like he was some child's plaything. It had been weeks now since the Doctor had turned off the Wire and sent him tumbling into another kind of madness. Weeks of being stuck in his quarters, observed and looked after while he trembled, sweated, vomited, cursed, screamed, passed out and was laughably undignified in almost every way. The number of times in the prior weeks he'd desperately hurl some insult to drive Bashir away, only to have the Doctor moments later steadying him as he vomited bile and spots of blood, his stomach and throat burning from the expulsion. Water would then be gently pressed into his hand while an arm would be around him holding him stable or softly running up and down his spine in comfort. Garak couldn't _bear_ to admit how comforting that burning touch felt, no matter how much he tried to drive or even physically shove the Doctor away and how much he loathed anyone to see him so undone, exposed and _weak_ . _God, how I hate being this raw, so many masks stripped away, I feel so weak, so vile, so pathetic_. 

He felt the nausea crawling back in force. Stomach roiling and sweat poured along with his furious anger at himself for such ugly _weakness._ Slowly and achingly he raised his head and locked eyes with Bashir.

_Say something, anything that will drive him out of here so he doesn't see you like this._

Damn it, why does Bashir's face have to be so kind and patient? It was obvious he knew what was coming by now and Garak could read that knowledge in every line of Bashir's exhausted body. Still, any attempt to hide himself and his broken state was worth the effort.

"My dear, I do wish you'd stop watching me, surely by now you've learnt how much _I hate it._ How very much _I hate you._ "

He spat the words and laced them with as much anger as he could, knowing damn well his voice betrayed him with a dry rasp and exhaustion. It was barely a moment later that the rest of his body followed the betrayal and he was forced to rush to the bathroom, each step violently increasing the nausea and pain as cloth moved against skin and his senses screamed with overuse. He had nothing left in him to vomit and what little bile he brought up felt like he was pulling his stomach out with it. How his insides ached from this repetitive nightmare. A bright point of heat was pressed against his back, holding him steady as he shivered. How he wished the Doctor wasn't seeing him reduced to this. 

* * *

Ah, here we go again.

Garak was slowly looking up at him, eyes bloodshot and exhausted, an insult thrown with as much anger as he seemed to be able to muster and within seconds Garak was stumbling desperately to the bathroom with Julian tiredly following, water at the ready, while Garak clutched his stomach and the toilet in desperation. It had certainly been a long, sleep deprived few weeks. Julian had hoped this was over when Garak had seemed to make a recovery and had even joined him in the replimat just ten days after the Wire had been turned off. Turned out he'd hidden more tripdecederine and had used as much of the drug as he had for that little rendezvous. Honestly it didn't surprise him much considering the Cardassian was coming off of a more than two year high that this was going to take a little more than ten days. Tentatively he placed a hand on Garak’s back to steady him, though he half expected him to shrug it off, and not for the first time, either, but felt no resistance except for nauseated shivering. Softly he rubbed small circles with his thumb over tensed muscles, trying to sooth the tension away. 

After the current bout of nausea passed, Julian took stock of Garak while he was in the slightly brighter bathroom. His skin was still ashy, sweat-soaked, and he was trembling. There were flecks of blood in his vomit and, damn it, Julian knew he'd never accept help for that, and he definitely wasn't going to give him any medication, not yet; it was far too soon after such severe substance abuse. Garak was leaning heavily against the toilet, one arm propping him up and the other was stiffly tugging at the front of his shirt.

"Garak… your skin still hurts, doesn't it?"

Julian said quietly but firmly while still running a hand in circles over the other man's shoulder. The daggers he received answered that question, so hypersensitivity was added to the mental list along with exhaustion, seeing as Garak didn't even try to hide his discomfort and annoyance at the question. 

"Garak… this waiting for symptoms to go isn't working, I want to try something different."

Julian could see the frustration and sharp bite of anger that was about to spill out. "Have you ever been swimming?" Julian cut in before Garak could voice his displeasure. The frustration faded and was replaced with confusion and wariness.

"Ah… Doctor, Cardassia is a desert, most Cardassians haven't been in more than a bathtub of water before and even that is considered a luxury."

Well, that should make this interesting, then.

"Alright. Wait here, I've got some things to prepare and I want to make sure this current bout has passed before we go anywhere." 

"I don't think I'll be going anywhere for a while, Doctor. Make your preparations."

Julian hated the defeat and weariness in Garak’s voice, he missed the lively arguments, banter and restrained playfulness that used to be laced through the words.

"Alright, sip the water _slowly_ and if you need me I'll just be in the other room."

Garak made a non committal noise and with a trembling hand took the water from Julian.

* * *

The trip to the holosuite felt like it took forever. There was little Julian could do about the brightness and the cold, and Garak was very pointedly refusing any help at all while they were in public, despite him clearly squinting and struggling to find his balance after so long of only making trips to and from the bathroom. Even those trips had left him breathless and exhausted, yet unable to rest from the hypersensitivity. Frankly it was a small miracle Garak both agreed to go and made the trip without any major incidents.

Entering the holosuite, Julian immediately commanded the computer to raise the temperature and lower the lighting. He visibly saw the tension ease slightly from Garak once the lights dimmed to a more comfortable brightness. Julian gently led him around the side of the pool, heading towards the changing room on the opposite side while digging through the bag he had slung over his shoulder. Garak seemed to be eyeing off the pool with a strange expression. Respect? Maybe awe? It was a face Julian hadn't seen on the other man. As soon as he noticed Julian looking his face dropped back into neutrality and he looked away. Julian made a soft noise of triumph when he finally found what he'd been digging through the bag. With a grin he pulled out a pair of blue board shorts.

Garak stared at the board shorts Julian replicated for him with complete disdain.

"My dear, if you wanted to get me naked you should have just asked."

Julian's grin dropped, frustration teetering to the edge, he let out an exasperated huff and thrust the shorts out at Garak, forcing them into his hands.

"Garak, I'm trying to help you here. Put the damn shorts on. The less that's touching your skin the less nauseated you'll be."

Garak turned with a furious glare and headed into one of the changing rooms. Julian ran a hand down his face. This whole ordeal had been wearing him thin and while he couldn't blame Garak at all for how aggressively standoffish he was, especially considering how he must be feeling. But the weeks of aggression and deflection was definitely wearing Julian out.

With a resigned huff Julian headed into another changing room. He slipped out of his uniform and put on his own pair of shorts. He sat waiting by the steps of the pool. With the lowered lighting and warmer temperature he'd set it was actually quite nice with the soft overhead lighting glinting off the water. Resolving himself to apologise to Garak for getting frustrated, he idly ran his fingers through the water and watched the pattern of the ripples. 

He heard the sound of the changing room opening and twisted from the pool to face Garak. Julian steeled himself against the despair he felt seeing the shorts were just about hanging off of the other man's hips until Garak tightened them using the ties on the front. 

Julian knew Garak had lost weight during the withdrawals, he'd barely been eating and most of what he could stomach had been coming back up anyway. He was still a safe weight, that much Julian was certain of… But so much weight lost so quickly definitely wasn't good either. Garak had been keeping that hidden far better than he'd expected. Though Julian couldn't resist a slight smile at how thoroughly exasperated Garak looked at wearing so little.

This was the first time Julian had ever seen Garak dressed in anything less than complete coverings. He did his best to openly avoid staring as the Cardassian warily approached him. Standing back up and on the edge of the pool, he took in the sight of the other man as quickly and discreetly as possible to spare Garak more discomfort than he was already in. His skin was ashy and looked dry, the trail of thicker scales down his legs, arms and twisting around his sides had an almost dusty look to them. The shadows under his eyes were deeper than he'd realised, another thing Garak had slipped past his radar over the weeks other than the dramatic weight loss. With an internal sigh he made a mental note to try to get more supplements into the stubborn Cardassian.

It was then that he noticed the subtle, lighter striping marks dipping just below the hem of the shorts. A patterning of varying colours on the thinner, softer scales of his inner thighs. An ice cold chill ran through Julian as he forced himself to not stare in horror. There wasn't anything else those marks could be. Newer and older self harm scars, how far up did they go? How long had this been going on? Was the other man suicidal or was this out of desperation for that extra kick of endorphins the Wire would surely give from injuries? He knew there was no way he could safely bring up this particular topic, if ever, but at least armed with the knowledge it happened, was happening? he could take some degree of steps to helping the problem. He wished Garak had let him help sooner, then maybe he wouldn't have reached this level of desperation. 

Mentally shaking himself out of his thoughts, Julian rose.

"Alright, we're going to take this slowly, just a step at a time," said Julian, holding out a hand to Garak.

Garak visibly bristled at the offered hand. "My dear, I _do not_ need your help going down a few steps."

"If you slip and fall, I'm dragging you to the infirmary through Quark’s wet and wearing just those shorts, Garak."

For just a second Garak looked mortified at the thought, then quiet determination settled onto his face as he reached out and gripped Julian's hand.

_Thank God that threat worked._

* * *

Garak felt his anxiety rising as the shorts were thrust into his hands. Was there really nothing else to go with this? The whole trip had been humiliating enough with how much he'd had to squint and relying on the occasional discreet touch to the walls to keep himself balanced and upright. Dazed and disoriented from withdrawal, and with rising pressure in his chest, he hadn't noticed how long he'd sequestered himself in the changing room. Taking a few deep, steadying breaths while perched on the bench, he tried to calm the rising anxiety. 

Slowly he unpeeled the clothing from his aching body, pausing for breath more often than he liked, from both the exertion and rippling pain threatening to render him senseless. It felt like an age for him to finally be rid of the clothes he had been wearing and to slide into the shorts Julian had so thoughtfully provided him with. The texture was strange, some kind of material that didn't absorb much water. It felt thin and rough against his skin. The lack of contact across the rest of his body however was already a relief. 

Breathing mostly evened out, he finally, really looked at the frankly hideous attire. A shock of panic ripped through him at how high the hemline sat. Anxiety clawed its way up his spine as he stared down at the clearly revealed, all too apparent scarring on his legs. Loathing and despair curled his hands to fists on his legs. A swath of memories of desperate cuts to force the Wire to overwhelm him, drive him back into a blissful endorphin rush to get him through the day. Of wounds left bound lightly enough to catch any blood so he could press his thighs together to deal with difficult customers, difficult days, difficult weeks… Months. 

The good Doctor would surely spot the wounds from a mile away and his Federation morals would have him prying in seconds. With an agonised sigh Garak stood, one hand against the wall for support and the other suddenly grabbing for the shorts as they slid from his hips. Tentatively he released his grip on the wall and assessed the shorts. Upside, the hemline now sat far lower and covered the scars, or well enough to hopefully be overlooked. Downside was they sat _quite_ low on his hips. Anxiety trampled down as much as possible, he pushed the door open at the same time as tying the shorts, sitting them as comfortably low as he could. Feigning confidence he didn't feel he strode out and towards the pool. 

Julian was sitting facing away, but turned to face him at the sound of the door. He saw the flicker of assessment and barely concealed worry on the Doctor's face. The other man's body momentarily went stone-still and Garak felt the crawling anxiety rise.

He'd _seen._

He _knew._

He felt blind under that assessing gaze and desperately wished for the overwhelming pleasure of the Wire or the darkness too much kanar brought.

He barely processed that he'd kept walking and was now stopped in front of Bashir who had apparently been speaking to him. 

"Alright, we're going to take this slowly, just a step at a time." said Julian as he offered one olive-skinned hand.

That hand was too much. He bristled away from the contact he knew was becoming far too overwhelming in too many ways.

"My dear, I do not need your help going down a few steps." Something to stop that inevitable touch.

"If you slip and fall, I'm dragging you to the infirmary through Quark’s wet and wearing just those shorts, Garak."

He didn't have even close to the mental or physical energy for even the lightest of rebuffs. Though he was mortified at the thought of the rest of the station seeing him so… unwound. It was too much to bear.

Maybe… Maybe if I do just this then he'll leave me alone, maybe. Maybe.

_Liar,_ that ugly little voice in his head echoed. 

Garak reached out and gripped Julian's hand, stepping down into the pool as he felt the warm, dangerously soothing palm against his own. 

The water was… warm? That was a surprise. He looked questioningly at Julian with a raised eye ridge. "I expected cold. Another torture perhaps."

Bashir offered a reassuring smile "Warm water helps muscle relaxation, plus it's a lot more comfortable. I wouldn't be _quite_ so mean, Garak."

Garak merely replied with a huff of disbelief as they both stood a few steps down into the pool, water lapping softly around his calves. With a gentle tug the Doctor led him down a few more steps, water now up to his hips.

This felt like sacrilege. Water was no longer exactly scarce on Cardassia, but it still spoke of gross indulgence to _bathe_ in such abundant water, hologram or not. Water was an expensive and precious commodity and bodies of water were to be enjoyed for everyone, but not by being _in it._ With distracted thoughts he missed the Doctor taking another step forward, then another, before turning back with a questioning look as Garak snapped back to attention and fumbled forward, not wanting to be caught daydreaming. He took a confident step forward to dash away the thoughts of Cardassia and realised his error seconds later as he felt the _absence_ of a step, plunging him forwards as a blinding terror shot through him. 

Suddenly he was far deeper in the water than he'd wanted or been before, a sudden gasp and flailing of limbs to desperately orientate himself felt like sabotage when he felt himself sink lower, heart pounding in fear. Suddenly strong arms wrapped around his torso and he felt himself being tilted back, floating. Heart roaring in his chest in panic he violently gripped the arms holding him, eyes squeezed shut and struggling to calm himself. Soothing words filtered through the sound of his own ragged breathing.

"It's alright, I've got you, just relax and let me help, it's alright, relax." The words repeated over and over until he felt himself start to calm, the panic subsiding to manageable levels.

"Perhaps, Doctor… holding hands wasn't such a bad idea."

He heard a soft chuckle in his ear, suddenly realising _just how close_ the doctor was and how firmly he was grasping the warm brown arms around his chest. He forced himself to relax further and release the painful grip he had on the other man.

"See? Nothing to worry about. I've got you… That, and if you reach down you can still touch the bottom. I wouldn't have you out in deep water. Reach behind me and you can touch the side as well if you need to."

Tentatively Garak reached back and felt the side of the pool. Knowing it was there was a relief he hadn't known he needed. Against his back he could feel the comforting rise and fall of the Doctor’s breathing against him and the steady thrum of his heartbeat. Julian's legs stretched down into the water below, keeping them both steady against the bottom of the pool.

"Alright, if you're ready I'm going to move. I'm going to keep close and keep holding you steady, but I want you to stay how you are. Stretch your arms out more as well, stay flat." Garak kept his eyes shut but did as he was asked without complaint. The water was such a strange and overwhelming feeling, it was hard to resist. 

* * *

Julian saw that look of quiet wonder on Garak’s face again when he turned back, realising that he wasn't following him deeper. The snap back to attention, obviously not wanting to be caught even though it was too late. As soon as Julian saw him stride forward he knew Garak had overstepped, but was too slow to prevent it. Sure enough he saw the panic cross the other man's face as he pitched forwards. Julian lunged, somehow missing the flailing limbs and managing to keep a grip on Garak’s hand he quickly spun both himself and Garak, pulling him into his arms and pushing them both backwards away from the steps so neither of them would crash into them. He kept his grip tight and realised how terrified Garak was, if his heart rate and desperate gasps were anything to go by. His arms were getting fiercely gripped, Garak’s fingers digging in so hard that Julian was sure he'd have bruises to show for it later. Leaning forward slightly he spoke soft, encouraging words until he started to feel the vice-like grip on his arms begin to release.

"Perhaps, Doctor… holding hands wasn't such a bad idea."

Julian couldn't help a soft laugh at that, finally the stubborn Cardassian actually admitting help wasn't a bad thing? The world must be ending.

Slowly, and with some hesitation, he felt Garak unclench his arms to a more relaxed and definitely less painful grip on his own.

"See? Nothing to worry about. I've got you… That, and if you reach down you can still touch the bottom. I wouldn't have you out in deep water."

Julian gently moved them closer to the edge of the pool as he reassured Garak.

"Reach behind me and you can touch the side as well if you need to."

Julian relaxed his grip slightly as Garak shifted in his arms, a hand reaching back behind them and brushing the side of the pool with a relieved exhale. 

He let themselves both relax for a minute, adjusting to the comfortable temperature of the water and calming any remaining frayed nerves.

"Alright, if you're ready I'm going to move. I'm going to keep close and keep holding you steady, but I want you to stay how you are. Stretch your arms out more as well, stay flat," Julian said as he pressed his back against the tile edge, comfortably standing on the bottom of the pool.

After a moment of hesitation Garak slowly stretched out his arms. Thankfully he was just as buoyant as humans, if not slightly more, and he floated easily. Julian had been shifting his grip as Garak stretched out, releasing his chest and shifting his hands to rest under the other man's shoulders. When there was no flailing limbs or obvious panic, Julian slowly lowered himself further into the water until he was comfortably perched up to his chin.

After a minute and still no panic he relaxed as well, just enjoying the warm water after weeks of exhaustion. He'd forgotten just how peaceful the sounds of a softly lapping pool and the effortless buoyancy was. They floated together in comfortable silence, letting the warmth of the water ease the stresses and worries of the past weeks away.

* * *

The water felt like an absolution and it was too much, far too much for Garak to bear. The heat of the water seeped into his skin and warmed him to the bone when he hadn't felt warmth like this in years. The tightness in his skin and the vicious tension in his muscles eased as the water lapped gently around him. This was like nothing he'd experienced. Bathhouses on Cardassia were heated rooms with high humidity, water tipped over hot rocks to steam the room and soften the scales and keep them supple and healthy. Great communal places where families and friends mingled and relaxed, talking together and spending the later hours of the day in quiet contentment once duties were done.

Some of Garak’s earliest and fondest memories were of the bathhouse trips with Mila once every few weeks. Pouring the water over the hot rocks to flood the room to a cloudy haze. Here, the sense of community and unity for Cardassia was more important than ranks and titles. For a short time there were no pressures or obligations, just pleasant, warm relaxation.

Water showers were a distant past since the planet's resources had degraded so badly. Water was a luxury, used for food, gardens and, in richer areas, water features for all to see. It was an obscene indulgence to even consider a body of water like this, let alone actually being _in_ it. Garak couldn't even begin to deny just how much it soothed the ache throughout his body and settled his frayed nerves. Even his scales felt eased, no longer tight and itching from dryness.

Slowly he became more aware of the gentle hands on his back. Now that pain wasn't coursing along the entirety of his skin he felt the Doctor's hands no longer as blazes of white hot pain, but as tender touches too kind to comprehend. How had this insufferably kind man stayed by him while he was at his worst, most abrasive and savage? As if Julian read his mind, Garak felt those soft hands shift slightly and a quiet voice came from behind him. 

"Garak?" 

He stiffened in apprehension, humming a sound of assent. 

"I'm sorry for snapping at you, I didn't mean to."

Garak’s eyes snapped open as the tension slid away to surprise. He was deeply grateful for Bashir's steadying hands as he momentarily flailed in the water in a thoughtless attempt to sit upright.

"Wh-what?? What on Cardassia do you mean?"

"Before. I didn't mean to snap, I admit I'm… A little more exhausted than I'd like to admit. I shouldn't have taken that frustration out on you, it wasn't right."

"My dear Doctor," Garak replied with a sigh, "You have had endless patience with me when I didn't deserve-" 

"Garak."

"No, Julian, I didn't deserve the kindness you've given me. I know I've been _unpleasant_ the last few weeks. This has… Not been a terribly kind experience. I admit, this is the first time in weeks I've felt some degree of normalcy.

"You… called me Julian."

Garak chuckled softly. 

"It got you to stop talking."

Julian laughed, shifting his hands and standing slightly so he could look down at the other man.

"I'm glad this is working, but Garak, don't berate yourself over this. What you're going through isn't easy for anybody. Give yourself some leniency."

Julian lightly tapped a finger on the now-warm scales beneath his hands to force Garak to pay attention. "Please, be just a little kinder to yourself? F-for me?"

Garak felt his breath stutter at those words. He saw the hint of embarrassed determination cross the face hovering above his own. Glistening skin and far-too-kind eyes watched him. He felt like he couldn't breathe, a hint of hope threatening to bloom in his chest.

Julian shifted back out of his line of sight and he released the breath he'd been holding back.

"Yes, Doctor, I suppose I can try."

He relaxed again, the water lapping warmly around the pair as soft, delicate hands traced light circles on scaled shoulders. Stress eased away into the calm pool as the weeks of tension finally left them for peace.


	2. Clarity

Swimming had become a weekly ritual once the withdrawals of the Wire had eased. Slowly the sensitivity faded and with it, the need for the water. At some point over the weeks the holosuite booking had been quietly transferred from a medical expense to Julian's own expense. Slotting in the weekly visit was worth Quark's exorbitant prices for the prime afternoon slot. 

Now the pair met at the holosuite. Garak no longer needed to be monitored now that the withdrawals from the Wire had finally gone, and the only remaining evidence was the lost weight and weariness. Garak had begun to love the added ritual on top of their weekly lunches. The smell of the pool, the lapping sound and the light dancing on the water brought him more relief than he'd thought possible. Still restricted to lighter activities, he did some small laps and stretches, as per the Doctor's orders, while Julian did longer, fast laps through the cool water pool. Once done, the Doctor would slide happily into the warm water with soft noises of delight as the heat washed over him. 

Once the pair were floating comfortably they would talk, continuing a lunchtime argument or just relax and enjoy the water. It had taken weeks for Garak to feel normal enough to truly appreciate the Doctor's company in the pool as a friend and not just the required presence of him being a doctor. The realisation that the Doctor _wanted_ to be there and not because he was a patient had shaken him. That these glorious visits continued and _with_ him were nothing short of a miracle.

Garak was floating comfortably on his back, head near Julian as the other man stretched out opposite, reflecting still on the luck that he hadn't pushed him away during the withdrawals. They'd been talking on and off about their latest novel, but quiet fell over them easily in the comfortable haze of the water. 

It was some time later that Garak drifted back into focus at the sound of the Doctor's voice. 

"Garak… I can heal those scars. If you'd like."

For a moment silence fell back over the pool as Garak felt the ache around those words.

"Ah… I'm sorry, I shouldn't have brought it up, that was insensitive of me."

Garak shifted slightly, drifting closer as he let out a hum.

"Doctor," he said with a long suffering sigh. "I expected you to ask eventually, you Federation can't help but try to fix what you think needs mending. Ah! Before you get offended, just listen."

Garak felt the water ripple, felt the texture of it through his fingers as he composed himself, glad that he knew the Doctor couldn't see him or his face. It felt like a secret confession, like no one was here but himself, drifting in an ocean of past memories.

"I didn't do it, those cuts, because I was suicidal. Well, had it ended me, I don't think I would have minded at the time. The Wire worked well in bursts at first… Then, like all good addictions, bursts weren't enough." 

"When I turned it on constantly, at first, it was perfect, bliss, I could get through the day in blind contentment without a care in the world. It took a year for it to start wearing off. Frankly I'm surprised it didn't take less time." 

"It was when a particularly difficult customer distracted me and I caught myself with a seam ripper… The burst of pleasure left me reeling. That was when I truly noticed how much the effects lessened. After that all it took was a small cut here, a small cut there… Until it wasn't enough."

"After that I needed to do it to survive, to get through the day. I… Had to do larger or deeper wounds, things that took longer to heal. Places no one would see or suspect. Places I could press together to cause just enough pain to trigger the implant. I desperately needed that rush of pleasure, the overwhelming bliss the Wire caused."

"That implant controlled me, every moment I was assessing if I'd done enough to fulfil its needs, to keep that… high going so I wouldn't have to feel anything else. Just the thrum of endorphins to block out how miserable this station made me." 

"I'm… glad it failed. In hindsight. Had it not failed I may well have met my end thanks to its addictive nature. These scars, this unsightly evidence of the Wire and its power. It's a reminder to not fall back to that artificial need, to see the scars as… Healing. Growing. Overcoming. That I won a fight that could have, and nearly did, end me. The station is still far too cold and too bright, but… There are times now that I can see make it worthwhile. Before, I never would have noticed the things that _truly_ bring me joy."

Garak felt the water shift and suddenly felt deeply self conscious at how much he'd revealed. A soft hand brushed his shoulder, a tender squeeze before retreating again.

"Garak, I'm glad."

Garak deeply appreciated the Doctor saying nothing else, content with letting the topic lie, satisfied with his explanation. 

Silence filled the space again, comfortably. The water easing the pair as they floated, relaxed and at ease in each other's company. The conversation had gone better than either of them had expected. Maybe they had grown, just slightly, to not shy away or to push too hard when the topic was so fraught.

The weeks of hell of trying to care for someone not wanting to be cared for, not wanting support or healing had been damaging to both of them. Being able to relax and carefully tread such delicate conversations was deeply healing for both of them.

Once Garak was well enough himself to see just how exhausted the Doctor was, he began to give him some help where he was able. He remembered one late evening after coming back from the pool where Julian had fallen asleep on the couch nursing a bowl of soup. Frankly how he hasn't spilled it was a miracle. Garak had carefully removed the bowl, covered the other man in a soft blanket, taken his own supplements and gone to bed. He remembered the surprise on the Doctor's face the next day, but also how much less fragile he looked after a night's proper rest.

After that they both started to look out for each other a little more. Subtlety making sure that the other had eaten, had rested properly, taken what supplements were needed. The fierce withdrawals were finally receding and they could resume to a level of normalcy. It wasn't long after this that they resumed lunches together in the replimat, a welcome change from Garaks quarters. Julian resumed his shifts in sick bay and slowly left Garak for longer and longer, giving him the space and time he needed to finish healing on his own terms. 

A soft rippling near his hand caught Garak’s attention, snapping him back into focus. A moment's silence fell again before a second, larger splash and a ripple of water lightly slapped his side.

"Doctor?" 

There was that fidgeting splash again as the doctor rippled his hand through the water.

"Is something on your mind?" 

For a moment the silence grew, yawning wide until it broke with a soft, nervous voice and the lightest brush of fingers against his own.

"I thought… I might lose you. I thought I was going to lose you without ever telling you how much all those lunches meant. Without telling you how I really felt, and there was no way I could while you were still affected by withdrawals. I couldn't ever say anything then without feeling like I was manipulating you because you weren't sound of mind."

"Ah, Doctor, what are you implying?"

"That I don't want to take that chance again… To not tell someone how I feel, to wait too long or to miss an opportunity because I was over-thinking it or not thinking or -" 

"Doctor."

"Ah… I think I'm in love with you."

Garak stilled in the water, floating unmoving, unseeing as he tried to process the words to be sure he had, indeed, heard right.

"Garak? If you don't feel the same way it's ok, it's fine, I just, we can just keep doing lunches and forget this happened. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have put you on the spot."

Garak shifted, reaching out and pulling Julian tight to his chest, curling his arms around him and softly pressing his lips to the crook of the other man's neck.

"My dear Doctor, I hadn't dared hope."

Julian breathed a heavy sigh of relief and curled his arms over Garak's, letting himself relax back into the other man's arms.

Julian twisted his head, lightly kissing down the line of Garaks ear ridges, twisting in his arms to press a nervous, tentative kiss against his lips.

Garak pressed into the kiss like a man drowning, curling his arm tight around the lithe, half naked form, pressing their bodies close as his other hand buried itself in curled, wet locks. The smoothness of that olive skin beneath his hand was better than he could have imagined. The lightly toned, firm body against his own was glorious.

When Garak finally released Julian for air he sagged against him breathlessly, chuckling.

"Oh god, Garak, I had hoped you felt the same way but that… I wasn't expecting _that._ " 

"My dear, I've been dropping hints to you for years. I just… thought you weren't interested, that I pushed you away, especially after..."

Julian leaned in and kiss-nibbled up his jawline and up to his ear, leaving him tingling and shuddering with delight.

"Oh Garak, I'm _very_ interested, just oblivious."

Garak laughed, quickly turning into a soft moan as Julian resumed nibbling on his ear ridges, his hands sliding their way onto his neck ridges and those soft surgeon’s fingers seemingly knowing exactly where to roam.

"Ah! If you're planning to keep this up, perhaps we should return to one of our quarters my dear, I'm sure Quark doesn't want any _extra_ cleaning after our visit, hmm?"

Julian laughed "Well, let's face it, that's really the only reason he has holodecks, but, perhaps it would be a _little_ more comfortable going back to your quarters."

Garak hummed in agreement, pulling the other man back in to tenderly kiss him again. The warmth and comfort of the water paled in comparison to the heat and comfort of the man in his arms. The overwhelming love he felt for the man who'd stayed with him, cared for him and loved him in return.

Perhaps from now on the station would be just a little warmer and comforting than before.


End file.
